i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
