So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
