So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You may now shotgun with the bride
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
