If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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