my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
