He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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