Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
