I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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