The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
