ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
