Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
