I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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