you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
