also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
