So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
