I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
