I'm really into asian looking animals
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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