you didnt know i had herpes?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
