Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
