see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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