you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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