I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
