remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
