You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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