The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize