so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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