i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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