Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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