me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
