im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
