On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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