My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
