Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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