I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
