That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
