I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
