my phone needs a breathalizer
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
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You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
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There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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