Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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