Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
