fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
