For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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