I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
