I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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