I hate all girls vehemently.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
