i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
