my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
