I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
