ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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