so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
