see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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