Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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