My cat gives me a boner
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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