im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize