Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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