I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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