Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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